Fasting, Prayer and Balance Seeking

With the holidays here, this weight loss journey has definitely been a dance. A dance of continually seeking balance.  A dance of continual prayer for strength amoungst all the holiday temptations.
 
As of this morning, I have lost a total of 32 lbs on this journey. I have hit a major milestone that I wanted to hit before the new year. I have been consistently losing approximately 10 pounds a month.
For the first time, I feel like my journey is a healthy one. I have lost weight before in healthy ways, but this time is different because it's not just a temporal journey but a spiritual one. A journey where the Lord is at the helm, guiding the way.

In Alma 34:39 It says, Yea, and I also exhort you, my breathren, that ye be watchful, that ye be watchful unto prayer continually, that ye may not be led away by the temptations of the devil, that he may not overpower you, that ye may not become his subjects at the last day; for behold, he rewardeth you no good thing.

This scripture speaks to me. It reminds me of just how important it is to not let myself slide but to pay attention to everything that I put in my mouth.  This doesn't mean I can't have a holiday treat, it just means that if I do, to make it small and only have one and then eat with more strictness the next day.
It reminds me to pray continually and have a prayer in my heart always that the Lord will help me. I pray a lot for Him to take the crazy away. By this I mean, that food won't be so thought consuming. That I can go to a party and not be focused on the food, but the people. Many times, I refuse to eat at parties for this reason. I don't want to be the person that focuses on the buffet. I want to focus on the people. When I see that one treat, that I love so much, I don't want it to have such strong power over me. I don't want to feel like I am being good or being bad with food. I want it just to be food. I want the cycle of being good, then feeling deprived, then indulging, then feeling guilty, then being good..etc. to stop. I can't achieve any of this without the Lord. I can't achieve these desires without praying and relying on the Lord continually.
I do not want the devil to use food to overpower me any longer. The lord has a plan for me. He has given me gifts and talents that the devil tries to hide through tempting me and overpowering me with food. I love this last part of the verse, (he rewardeth you no good thing.) The devil is cunning. He knows the impact food and weight have on my body. He knows I lose confidence as my weight goes up. He loves it when I choose to seek comfort and solace in my food over God. No good thing comes to me when I over eat, or when I choose crappy food that doesn't help sustain my body, or when I put food above God to comfort me.
Along with prayer, I have been fasting once a week. Normally as a church, we fast the first Sunday of each month. The money that we would have used for food, is given to the poor. It is also a time for us to express gratitude and pray with a purpose for certain things. It may be for someone in our family or community who is struggling or to show a sacrifice to improve our spirituality in order to receive personal revelation. There are many other reasons and benefits of fasting, the above is just a few.
I have decided to fast once a week on Sundays for several reasons. My biggest reason, at first was to improve the unity and love in my marriage.  My second reason was that the Lord would guide and direct us/me on what I need to do to endure and overcome this financial trial that we are in. My third reason is to become closer to the Lord. To put Him above my temporal needs for food and seek His spirit in overcoming this weight and food issue. I used to hate fasting and was pretty much scared of it. Scared of it because I knew it involved not eating. I had been down the path of not eating and starvation before. I worried that fasting would cause me to revert to old habits, back to anorexia. There is a difference. The difference is spiritual. If I am not eating now, it is with much prayer that it is done. It is also for only 1 day a week and no more. I don't even think I will have to keep this up for ever. When life changes and isn't so difficult, when I don't need so much extra revelation and support, I will go back to once a month.

It has helped me tremendously. I see the Lord's hand in my life everyday. I notice it when I walk past a dessert table and don't desire or dwell on any of the treats. I notice His hand when I have a treat and am satisfied and don't desire or need a second one. I notice His hand when Garrett and I have a loving day. A day when even when we have different solutions to the problem, we are unified.  I notice His hand when friends, neighbors, and our church family reach out to us, making this trial more bearable. The Lord is helping me through this through His words as well. I can feel the difference and my desires for food increase when I miss a day of reading my scriptures or when I get busy and my prayers aren't continual.
This journey is a spiritual one.  A journey that I am so grateful for. A journey that is changing me from the inside out this time. A journey that I am grateful to be on during Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Hard Times

I won't lie, Since I have gotten home, exercise has been really hard. It's not that I haven't had time. Nope that is not my excuse. I have been really sad over our circumstances. Better jobs have not come, it's been two years since my husband got out of the service (not his choice). Our situation seems to only be getting worse financially.
I know that exercise is the best, better than medication even, for depression. I just can't get myself to do it. Sigh...
Thankfully, I am still eating healthy and still losing weight. I've even  lost 2 more lbs since being home, so that's good.
I have tried to tell myself just to go back to walking and not worry about the high intensity workouts. I've tried to talk myself into going swimming, it hasn't happened either.  I've tried to tell myself to just keep focused on my goal and let Garrett and God work on everything else...Hasn't helped.
I tell you this, so you can witness the ups and downs. Just because I have put my heart and soul into this goal this year, doesn't mean that there are no stumbling blocks or resistive moments.
As I sit here though a thought just came to mind. Maybe this will help. Praying doesn't even seem to help me to move these days.
I have a plaque that my mom gave me one year. I'm sure you have heard it.

Tomorrow, I think I will try putting on some good music and just try and dance for a while. I also tell you this so that I can be accountable. Letting you know, helps get me out of my slump. So, thanks for listening.

Go Dance.

Success through the Holidays!

I made sure to weigh myself before I left on my trip. I then weighed myself again today since it is the 1st of the month. I was so excited. I lost 2 more pounds.

I still lost 2 pounds without being crazy. Did I have some green bean casserole (my favorite)? Yes, I did. Did I have some pecan pie (another favorite)? Yes I did. Did I go to my favorite restaurant in Illinois (Avantis) and have my favorite foods there? Yes, I did.

I could have maybe lost more weight had I not partaken of these favorites, but for my sanity, it was worth it. Part of me wanted to prove to myself that I was changing and that God is helping me. I wanted to prove to myself that I could with His help, find balance. I don't believe the Lord doesn't want us to ever enjoy and take pleasure in our foods. Most of the time, I find pleasure in my healthy foods. However, I really love some of our food traditions surrounding the holidays and don't feel it is necessary to give them up 100% (at least not until I can healthify them to my satisfaction.) I love to healthify favorites and have been working on that.

How did I create balance? One of the main things I did was really watch my portions. I made sure the amount was small on those favorites. I also piled up my plate with vegetables. If I knew it was going to be a day when I would have something not on my list, I would eat less in order to compensate for the extra calories. There was a few times as well that I skipped a meal. Not because I was hungry and just trying to punish myself, but because I really wasn't hungry. Sometimes we just eat because it is "meal time, everyone else is eating". This doesn't have to be the case. If your not hungry, don't eat until you are. Then even if you still have food on your plate but you are no longer hungry, stop eating. Especially before the disgustingly full feeling sets in. I also made sure that I exercised almost everyday during my trip. I took some of my workout videos with me. I was moving and working out Thanksgiving morning as well. On our drive, I mostly ate almonds and dates and a Suja green juice.

Since I have gotten back, I have been a little more strict with myself. I have pretty much been sticking to green juice, salads, fruits,veggies and nuts. I have had a little bit of meat, cheese and grains, but not much.

I was off of my goal  by 1 pound for the month of  November.  I am still pretty happy about my progress. I'm not beating myself up about it.  It is very hard to lose weight when traveling and during the holidays! I am back home now and still on track. Plus, its only partially about the weight. It is also about finding God, improving my spirituality, finding balance, and improving my overall health and wellness.

I attribute all my success to God, to Christ's atonement and strength. I am blessed to have His help with this trial and weakness.

Praying Away the Crazy

My husband had left town for a week for work.  We like to have him around of course, however when he is gone, I don't fix dinner. My boys love it because then they can live off the crap my husband puts in food storage, like raman noodles and mac and cheese. I love it too because then I'm not preparing a healthy meal for them, that is sometimes a challenge to get them to eat. This also means, I go simple for me. I have smoothies or just a plate of vegetables. This worked out really well for me. I dropped quite a few pounds that week. I'm down 20 lbs so far.

Then the CRAZY began to set in. What is the crazy? It's that place in side me that begins to return to old habits. That place inside me that goes into hyper drive. That place that takes me out of balance. Some old habits that I have are being super restrictive with my diet to a level where I am out of balance. A place where when I have a tsp of something I shouldn't possibly have, I tear myself up and go crazy with guilt and regret. I'll explain the crazy a little bit more. I have a tendency to be a very black and white person. I'm either eating healthy or I am not. I tend to live the polar opposites.

This week was mission transfers. That means, I was surrounded by very good tasting but unhealthy food. I avoided the pizza. I avoided the waffles. I avoided the pan of brownies. Instead I had a smoothie, raisins and almonds that I had prepared myself. When it was time to sit down with everyone, I did grab a salad from the buffet line. I knew I should of eaten it plain for optimal health but I didn't. I put about a tablespoon of ranch dressing on it. It was the only choice there. I have been upset with myself ever since. Then we had a Cafe Rio type salad tonight for dinner.  It was left over from the transfers. I knew the meat had some brown sugar in it. But again, I had it anyway. And again, I am beating myself up about it and swearing the my stomach is more bloated than it was a couple days ago.

Why do I share this level of CRAZY with you, with anyone? I have a reason and no it's not so you can be judgmental and think I am psycho.

My purpose is to let you know that we need to rely on God every hour and every meal. My purpose is to let you know that we need God on both ends of  the spectrum with us.

See even though I have been taking time to be spiritual and focus on this issue of mine in the scriptures, It hasn't been enough. Or maybe it has, because I am recognizing the crazy a lot sooner. I think a part of me has gotten lazy. I have been doing really well and so I essentially was like, " Thanks for helping God. You've straightened me out and I got this now. I remember what to do to get and stay on track. "
It is humbling to me to pass the reigns of this journey back over to Him. To say, "You're right. I don't have this. I'm just reverting back to the hyper-focused, unbalanced, health nut crazy girl. " I still need His strength and His power. I can hear Him saying, "Amy, just because you are seeing success and know a lot, does not mean we are done. Stay with me, I have a lot of reworking and healing to do on the inside as well as the outside. "
To stay with Him, to work through the crazy, I am praying. I am continually asking Him what I need to do. I am meditating and pondering His words. I am trying to make sure that He remains my focus. That His thoughts become my thoughts. I love that scripture in Isaiah that says, "My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts. (Isaiah 55:8-9).  To that I say, thank goodness. No more crazy! I am going to learn His thoughts and His ways on this one. I'll keep you posted on what I continue to learn on this one. Recognition was the first step on this one.

Six Days Thou Shalt Labor

I love to move my body. I even love exercise. It's just a matter of actually doing it.  Doing it without making excuses. Once I start I'm fine. It's just starting.
I must admit that when I am out of the habit, doing movement that I really love is easier to start. For me some of these are walking, swimming, dancing, playing floor hockey, rock climbing, stand up paddle board and roller skating. They are easier to do without coming up with something I feel takes precedents for my time.
Getting back into a routine is not easy. I often here people say, "I just need some motivation." I have even thought that about myself on more than a couple occasions. I decided to start my journey back to health and fitness with walking. It has been really nice out and I love to do it. When it is cold  I have a treadmill I use. On one particularly cold day, I walked on my treadmill. One of the things I like to do when I walk indoors is play one of my Time out for Women DVD's. The message of this particular day was by Wendy Ulrich. It was about being happier. She proceeds to list all these things not to do to be happier. I loved them all but number 2 really caught my attention. It read:

Don't try to get motivated to exercise!

I thought, "What! This is going to be interesting." I listened with real intent. Hoping for some magic formula. So here it is:

Motivation follows Action! We must trick our energy conserver's in our mind and body.

I loved this message and thought you know, she is right!This is what has been working for me to get back at it.
Part of my mind has been saying, "Oh my goodness, this is going to be sooo hard." So I told myself, "Just walk." As I have done that, I have thought, "Okay, that wasn't so bad. I can do a little more. " And so I have. Slowly each week, I have been adding more to my routines.  As I have decided just to do it and stop making excuses. Even though some days have been just a little bit. My motivation has increased each day and I am doing more each week.
I loved how Wendy talked about how a woman would just stand on her treadmill and read the newspaper. Then she slowly did it for 1 min or so until eventually she was running. Another lady started marching in place on commercial breaks until she started skipping her show altogether to move more. This is how I have started, slow. Now I am getting in 4-6 miles a day walking and doing a 30 min high intensity workout.
A week ago I was only doing the high intensity workout 3 days a week. I knew I needed to be doing more but was dealing with excuses and or life. I told you how I have been praying about this a lot. Praying because I know the worldly knowledge of health and fitness, but my Godly knowledge in it is lacking. Later in the day, as another excuse was brewing in my mind, a clear strong thought popped into place. The spirit said to me these words, " Six Days Thou Shalt Labor."  (Deuteronomy 5:13)  It was as clear as day. I knew then that I couldn't make anymore excuses. I had to be a doer. I needed to start working out 6 days a week.
The great thing about the Lord is that He tells it like it is. He tells us what we need to hear. My eating has been coming along great with the question that he gave me. "Will I give this up to know Him better?"
Now, I have one for my exercise/movement as well. Whenever the excuses and life tries to get in my way. All I need to do is remind myself that the Lord told me, 6 days!
I have been following this for a week now and it has helped dramatically. I hope it helps you too.

Helping My Unbelief

In Mark 9: 23-24, it is the story of the man who brings his son for Christ to heal him. Jesus tells the father that all things are possible to him that believeth. Then the man says, Lord, I believe; help thou my unbelief.

When I think about how many times I have gained weight and lost weight and gained again, it makes me feel defeated. It seems like an insurmountable task.  My hope begins to die because what is the use of trying one more time.
This scripture gives me strength to try one more time for a couple of reasons.

1)  I love how the Lord tells the father that ALL things are possible, if I, if you,  will just believe. He doesn't say only this aspect of my life can change or this one, but ALL. All gives me reassurance that having a change of heart about food and losing weight is covered in that All category.

2) Believing is the second part of this. I need to believe in Him. Believe that He cares enough about this gift of a body that he gave to restore it. Not only to restore the body, but the mind that got this body in this mess to begin with.

That second one is harder, especially when I have tried sooo many times. Why didn't He help the other million attempts? Maybe because I didn't ask or maybe because He did but I wasn't listening. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in how the world says to lose weight and stay healthy. This makes me completely miss out on the source, the Lord, who knows more about the how to then anyone else. I still feel like sometimes maybe it's not His will or timing and therefore unbelief sets in. I sometimes feel like, of course the Lord would help....someone else...just not me..

3) The father admits that he believes but needs help with that part of him that still has unbelief. Maybe it's that part of him that knows the Lord would heal someone else but just not him. I don't know what part of him was unbelieving. I do love though how he admits this. I love even more than that, that the Lord still heals his son. He doesn't say, "Oh you admitted that you still are unsure and completely believing so I can't help you. No, He heals his son anyway. I can see it in my mind, a loving Christ, who cares enough to help the fathers unbelief and heal the son. Even if his faith and belief was the size of a mustard seed the Lord would do it. I love that I don't have to be perfect in this aspect either.

This scripture gives me hope and increases my belief. It helped me in the beginning of this journey. It has also helped me on those days when I haven't lost any weight. I believe it will also help me through plateaus.

On another note, I want to make sure to say, that losing weight isn't the only goal on this journey. The higher goal is becoming closer to Christ and my Father in Heaven. I want to deepen my relationship with them. If I keep my focus on the higher goal, the lesser goal will follow. So if there are days when the weight doesn't seem to be budging or my body isn't changing as much, I can look to see if my relationship is improving. Am I doing those things to develop that relationship? Am I taking care of my body the way the Lord wants me to?
Remember all things are possible,
Amy Beth

The Blessings of Being Overweight

Is that my title? Really!?! Is it even possible to be grateful for such a thing? It sounds absurd I know, but hear me out.  And no, I am not saying that anyone should purposely stay overweight.

Let me back up a bit first. I never wanted to be overweight, or fat! In fact, through all of my youth, up through my college years, I did everything to make sure that I wasn't. I made sure so much so that I would either not eat at all, or very little. Then I'd exercise for 4 hours straight. Crazy!
Why would I do such a thing? What was I lacking? Was it just juvenile?

Then I got married. I blame part of my problem on this reason ( hehe) because I felt so much love from my husband that I stopped worrying about trying to look perfect. I didn't need to please everyone anymore. I just needed to please him. Well when you don't like to cook, but your husband does and he cooks very unhealthy...the weight starts to pack on. We have tried cooking healthy together and turning this whole thing around and some years we have succeeded and other years we have failed miserably. So why has it been 17 years of marriage and I'm still struggling with this issue?

I see both scenarios as the same issue really, just on different ends of the spectrum. How so you ask? Well, both have to do with feelings, emotions, control, connection/relationships, confidence, self-love, food addiction etc. Both use the relationship with food to meet needs.

This brings me back around to blessings. I am very grateful for this challenge /trial because without it,

I WOULDN'T BE ME!

Here is some of the other blessings, I see from not just being overweight but from being super skinny and from struggling with this challenge.

1. When overweight, as my Aunt Terry used to say, "There is more of me to love."  In all seriousness though, it truly exposes who your real friends are and who really cares about you. When you have quality friends, there is truly more to love. People have to get past the exterior and really get to know you. I know high school right? But it is amazing how many people are still judged by appearance at every age.

2. Being overweight is naturally humbling. It provides an opportunity to draw closer to God and rely on Him. Just like many challenges do, this just happens to be mine.

3.   Being overweight has provided an opportunity for me to learn everything there is to know about health, wellness, psychology and fitness. If I didn't have this struggle, I don't know who I would be or what I'd be passionate about.

4. Because I am overweight, I have to exercise a lot of self control (which is a fruit of the spirit). I am concerned with what I put into my body, even if you can't tell.  I know people who are skinny fat people (people who can eat whatever they want and not put on weight) and some of them are not health conscious at all and could be more prone to heart attack or stroke and not even know it.

5. Being overweight, means my body loves me! Why? Because it takes the toxins and stores them so that they are not harming my body in other ways. It is a self preserving/protection mechanism.

6.  I am blessed to be able to self analyze and look at the problem from many different angels. It allows me to get to the very core of me.

7. It has given me an appreciation for this gift of a body that I don't know if I could learn in a more intimate way.

8. It has blessed me to not be as  judgmental (I'm still human, unfortunately) and really get to know and love people.

9. I am blessed to be able to share my story, my journey, my knowledge with others and hopefully impact their life for the better. It gives me hope that others who struggle with this same issue will not have to suffer as long.

10.  It gives me the opportunity to realize through all my attempts and failures that I of myself can't do it alone but that I need a Savior. I need his grace and atonement.

There are a million more blessings but I will leave you with my top ten. I hope you have been inspired and can look at your own challenges and weakness's in a whole new light. I know through God nothing is impossible and He can make our weak things strong.

Voices and Temptation

Just because God is on my side with this eating challenge doesn't mean it is always easy. Just because I have a solid why and want to for being healthy doesn't mean I never get tempted still. (I must say though, most days are easier than they used to be.)  Tonight is Halloween and even though I have been able to resist temptation, it has been a very mind rationalizing, emotions bubbling time. My boys always have a jack-o-lantern pizza for dinner. It smelled so good.
Part of me kept telling myself, "It's a holiday! You can have a slice." "One slice or two isn't gonna do anything to you. You'll get back on the wagon tomorrow and be just fine." "God doesn't intend for you to never have a small indulgence. " "But it smells soooo good." "Look at that ooey gooey cheese." and on and on the thoughts went.

Then on the other side was this dialog. "One piece could throw you off for weeks." " Even if you do have just one piece, you'll retain water and temporarily halt your progress."  " You'll never reach your goal if you give in this once." " Don't you want to have the peace of knowing you overcame." " Smells are free remember." "Look at all that grease, you don't want to put that in your body." "You have to care about your body all the time." "If you have that slice of pizza then later you'll rationalize a piece of candy too." " Will you sacrifice this to know me?" " You can have it but is it going to be beneficial in 10 min, or a day later?"  "Maybe you can have a holiday off every once in a while when you lose the weight and get this under control. "

And this was just over the pizza. So what did I end up having for dinner? A can of tuna with laughing cow cheese and a ton of celery. Later when everyone gets home and is eating candy, I'll probably make myself a little treat of  a banana with peanut butter on it or something similar.

 As I opened the bags of candy to put in the bowl, the smell was intoxicating. But since I was able to resist the pizza, the candy was easier to resist.

Now I want you to know that some people can have just one of something and be fine.  Or take a day off and not be tempted to have anymore of anything. This is not me! I am an all or non kind of girl. I either do good or I do bad. Since I am doing so well, (down 15 lbs) I do not want to screw this up. My birthday is only 9 months away. So I tell you this and share this dialog with you, not so you can be judgmental,  I tell you this so you can either 1) Understand what it is like to struggle so much with food and weight, and maybe more sympathetic to those around you. or 2) So if you struggle too, you'll know your not alone.

My top 5 list of things you can do to make the holidays and situations like this easier.

5) Prepare in advance meals. Know what you will have even if others are not eating the same.
4) Tell people in advance that you will not be participating and why.
3) Drink lots of water so you don't get any tinges of hunger.
2) Visualize your self saying no or visualize your success whatever that may be. Maybe it is only that one piece for you, etc..
1) Pray, Pray, Pray and Read scriptures that resonate with you when you struggle.

Bonus tip: Create new traditions around holidays that don't involve food. I know this one is tricky with Halloween though. One thing I used to do but my boys absolutely refuse now is I'd let them collect the candy. Then they'd pick 10 pieces. The rest would go in a bowl for the teenagers to come get and my kids would get a new movie or game. I also wanted to get this year little toys from like oriental trading to pass out instead of candy but I was voted down on that one. Sigh... A mom can try right!?!

I hope this helps. Happy Halloween!!!

Reconstructing My Temple

Shortly after we moved to Idaho Falls the temple was closed to be renovated and updated. This made me kind of sad because this was the closest we have lived to a temple in a long time. Lucky for us though the Rexburg Temple is still open and still closer than places we have lived over the past 9 years or so. This got me thinking about reconstructing my own temple. 

A  scriptures came to my mind. 

1 Corinthians 6:19

 What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own?

My body is not my own. It is a gift from a loving Heavenly Father. I was given this gift so that I could experience mortality and learn for one, to overcome the temptations and desires of the body. One of the ways we honor this gift, of a body, and show gratitude for it is by taking care of it. I had fallen into the trap of eat, drink and be merry for tomorrow we die. Did the Lord really care what I was eating?  Food had become my comforter, my friend, what I turned to in celebratory happiness or sadness. Food had become my idol, my god.

This needed to change. I needed repentance. I needed the atonement.  But how does one apply that to food? I mean I couldn’t just stop eating!!! I had tried that before by the way and I knew that, that hurt my body just as much and was not showing gratitude for this gift. Also how do you begin to love a body that you hate so much? Hate because it is hard to control, hate because the world defines you buy it, hate because you begin to define yourself by it, and on and on I could go with that.  I knew that even if I was thin, like in this picture

I would still see myself the same, unworthy of people’s acceptance, yearning for approval, not confident at all. So I knew that I needed to change from the inside first. As a child of God, all I really needed to change this horrible thinking around was to know and feel His love and His acceptance. I started to look at my life and my name.

Amy Beth = Beloved House

For the longest time, I hated my middle name. It made me think of things such as being as big as a house. Which I must say I feel pretty close to right now. But the point of the matter is, is that the Lord’s house is a beautiful temple. A beloved temple. I really feel like Heavenly father knew this would be a struggle for me and He wanted to make sure that I knew and had that constant reminder that I am loved and am His temple. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks about me as long as I am loved and accepted by my God.

I thought about the temple. It is beautiful, pure, dedicated, structured, organized, and clean. It’s features inside and out are defined. The best materials are used to craft it to perfection. It shines and is bright for all to see. It has purpose and is awe inspiring.

I also thought about this scripture:

D&C 97:15-17  15 And inasmuch as my people build a house unto me in the name of the Lord, and do not suffer any unclean thing to come into it, that it be not defiled, my glory shall rest upon it;

 16 Yea, and my presence shall be there, for I will come into it, and all the pure in heart that shall come into it shall see God.

 17 But if it be defiled I will not come into it, and my glory shall not be there; for I will not come into unholy temples.

I realized that I was not where I wanted to be spiritually or physically because I was not building my temple and dedicating it to Him. This helped me to decide what I would and wouldn’t eat, how I would exercise and how I would honor God and draw close to Him.  I had studied the word of wisdom (They even ask about this in order to enter into the temples) many times. I was even usually upset that when a lesson would be given on the word of wisdom usually only the tea, coffee and alcohol was mentioned and the nutrition part was glazed over.  I had studied it diligently, however my application was weak.  What has made the difference? Repentance and wanting that relationship with God more than my relationship with food and traditions. I want a temple that honors Him, shows my gratitude, gives Him a place to dwell, etc.

President Hinckley in his talk, Keeping the Temple Holy, had this to say about the word of wisdom. Is observance of the Word of Wisdom necessary? The Brethren have long felt that it certainly must be. Observance of the Word of Wisdom is concerned with the care of one’s body, which, the Lord has assured, is of itself a temple, a tabernacle of the spirit. He has said, “Yea, man is the tabernacle of God, even temples; and whatsoever temple is defiled, God shall destroy that temple.” (D&C 93:35.)

Just like we have a temple recommend interview before we can be found worthy to go inside the temple, now my food too has to be found worthy. It makes sense to me. How many times have we heard a lesson on clean media and watching what we see, hear and think? Well I figure this applies to food too. Now my food needs to be clean and pure if it wants to enter.  

It amazes me how many times we can hear a lesson at church or read something and it just doesn’t stick. My “aha” moment with this has come as I have sought after the Lord and have desired Him more than the comfort of eating whatever I want.

My body is a temple of the Lord and it is time to start treating it as such.

His will power not my will power

I have always had moments of strong will power and too many more moments of no will power. In the health and fitness industry, often it is believed that those who want to lose weight just need will power and a strong solid plan.

THIS IS JUST NOT TRUE!

There are so many factors that come into play.  When I was studying at the Institute for Integrative Nutrition, this was a topic that was discussed, a lot. We called it primary foods. If you were not getting fed relationship wise, career wise, sleep wise, spiritually, emotionally, mentally,etc,  then weight loss would get thrown to the back burner. Stress was a huge factor in the ability to lose weight as well. Among tons of other factors. So since I am a worrier, all of these things told me, " Your life isn't perfect yet, so you can't lose weight." The desire was always with me but I couldn't muster enough will power to achieve my goal long term with all the stress and turmoil I had going on. Life has always gotten in my way.

Finding a New Way

I thought long and hard. If I couldn't achieve my goals with all the knowledge I have on the subject, what was I missing? In January 2016, I started going to the 12 step program that my church has for over eaters / eating issues. It was very helpful and insightful. Life and work kind of got in the way again though and I stopped going. Like I have said before, part of me felt then that God didn't care about this as much as I did. Fast forward to about a month ago. I realized God does find this to be very important. He is there to help. His Life, not mine, is the way to taking care of this body and losing the weight. One of the problems has been that my focus has been on life getting in the way, instaed of focusing on His Life and having Him so solidly in my life.  I found a book called Made to Crave by Lysa Terkeurst. It is exceptional! It has helped me seek and crave God.   Now, I pray for His strength, His will, His power to overcome and get through this trial. I had to pray that He would change my heart and help me to not crave or desire addictive foods.  Just so you know, this is not a one time prayer. This is daily, sometimes hourly, or with each meal. I have to ask myself, "What is more important, that crappy food (that you know is bad) or your relationship with God? I also ask myself, as God asked the young rich man (paraphrased here, but this is how I word it for me.), "Will you give it up so you can better know me?"  But, its not just that! Anybody can say a prayer and hope God will do something with this weight and body. Exercising faith must happen. I had to decide that I was going to eat something healthy and get some exercise in this moment and that God would help me the next moment it was time to eat and exercise. I must say that each time I rely on Him it gets easier. I can feel his hand in this journey. I don't need my will power when I have His will power.

I want you to know that I am on an important journey. I am learning things that I couldn't learn in my 21 years of education and advanced degrees. My Savior, your Savior is the master educator. Through His help, I am making progress. I have lost 11 lbs so far. I have been eating good wholesome food and exercising. I have been praying a lot and drawing closer to my faith and my Savior. I also know that if this is your struggle too, He will help you. I am here to help you too.

If you found this post helpful, please feel free to like it and share with your friends. There are so many people who struggle with this and I'd like to help. Be on the look out as I will continue to share my journey.

Lessons to Learn

Of course, after I wrote my accountability post, life got in the way....again, as usual. I was doing well then we had a birthday in the house. It temporarily derailed me. I was starting to lose some hope as I took that dress, (You know the one that has been hanging in the closet forever because one day you will get back into it again.) and I decided to give it to the refugees. I had only worn it like twice when I had lost a bunch of weight and knew I would drop more in a week or two, so I had bought it snug to begin with. With this I was in storm mode, loss of hope mode. Then today happened. Well I shouldn't discount some of the inner workings and attempts during this storm of temptation and cheating on my chosen plan. So despite my terrible eating, I was walking and wearing my fitbit to track my progress. I was internalizing and noting messages and ideas from Heaven.

Let me back up for just a minute, you see, I have been struggling with this food and exercise stuff a very long time. Every attempt has been a failure.  This time I decided to make the journey a spiritual one. I am realizing the profound coexistence of the two, physical and spiritual, and how they work together.

I was beginning to think that God didn't care about this issue of weight and health. At least not for me, and especially not now when our family is going through one of the hardest times financially, since my husband has been out of work.  Work has been so scarce for him that I was prompted to go back to work. I didn't want to do this. I loved getting up everyday since I had put the boys in school and spending an hour reading my scriptures and another hour swimming laps.  See I put the kids in school because I knew I might have to go to work. I didn't really want to though, so I put off the nudging to go to work, for a bit. I thought now is my time to work on me. So when I went to work, I thought, "The Lord doesn't care about me, or helping me with this weakness." I did try and look on the positive side despite crying to and from work everyday and not always getting home before the kids.

I find it very important to examine if there is a lesson to be learned or a way to grow despite the trial. If you ask my husband though or my mother, I'm not sure if they would say this about me, as they tend to hear all my wailing, whining and complaining moments where I am resisting learning and growth. They seem to add up, ya know. Anyway, back to the examination board. As I went and saw elderly clients for their physical therapy appointments, I began to actually see the results of long term poor eating and exercise habits. Now, remember I do know all of this stuff already because of my degrees. To see it though, was another thing. To see patients who could no longer stay in their homes because they couldn't walk or get out of a chair or restroom themselves. It was so sad and made an impact.  Also, in having to work so far away from home, away from my kids did another great thing for me. It taught me to really rely on the Lord, as well as, try to develop myself spiritually so that I could better receive personal revelation and feel of His spirit in my life. I needed direction in my life!!! I knew there was only 1 way to get it, through Christ!

 But could I trust Him? This has been another lesson through this experience. Trust, patience, reliance. It has been such a struggle but I'm getting there. Keeping track of His hand and guidance in my life has helped.

Well, the Lord does hear our cries and he delivered me from that work experience into another one closer to home. I wasn't even looking for other jobs, especially outside of PTA work.  I accepted a job working as the mission home attendant. In this job, I clean the home of the mission president and his office in town. I help the MP's wife when the LDS missionaries transfer to new areas. I get to help with meals and changing bedding, ect.. (If you want to know more about this let me know. I'd love to share but want to continue with my current insights for now.)
My first thought was this will be cool and provide a great spiritual experience and environment all while being accessible for my boys. I was concerned though about the idea of all the cleaning.  I didn't feel that I even had time to clean my own home to the level that I liked, let alone other places.
I examined this job too. What was the point of this? Why cleaning instead of physical therapy, exercise and health? How was this helpful towards my goal to lose all this weight before my 40th birthday? Why did Heavenly Father want me here even though the pay was so much less? Maybe now just wasn't the time for self-improvement. Maybe now was the time to help my family financially. I don't want you to get me wrong now. I was extremely grateful for this position and environment. I also knew I had been led, guided and that the Lord was working in my life. But, like many of you, I like to ask why. I know, you might think I am 2. why? why? why?

Anyway, I knew I loved the environment. I knew I loved how close it was to home.  Then one day as I was scrubbing toilets and changing beds, a thought hit me. I am getting a lot more steps in doing this job! I am having to squat down more, reach up high, use muscles that haven't been worked in a while, carry and push more. My whole day was more active!! Then I thought, "Just maybe the Lord does care and is trying to help with this goal. " I also started to think about the gospel a lot while working because the spirit is strong in these places. Part of me thought, this is to help me get through this hard time with my family. Another thought I had was about cleaning and order. I know the Lord likes to use parables and symbolism. I thought about the symbolism between cleaning toilets and buildings and cleaning up my own building. I thought about order, discipline and self control. How they relate to our bodies, food and exercise just like the Savior has those traits and taught them. I was beginning to see how the Lord was hearing my pleas, answering my prayers and did care about this matter. This matter that is huge to me but seemed small in comparison to my husband being out of work and our finances being small.

 Back to today. I actually woke up with a grateful and joyful heart. Hope is returning despite me not being where I want to be by this point. Despite the fact that my efforts have been less than perfect or even stellar. Today, I ate almost perfectly. It was my day off and I got more than 16,000 steps. I know that may be a small number for some of you, but for me, it was huge. Also, to top it off, I am so excited about my choices for tomorrow.  I am excited about all the ideas that are keeping me awake tonight, that I want to share with you. My hope and my belief rests in my Savior, who promises to make our weak things strong.

Accountability Post

Accountability is very very important. It keeps us on track so that we are less likely to  make excuses. I need accountability as much as the next person.  Here is what I am doing and some of what I have done today

Water intake is very high on my list.  I have been trying to consume 3-4 22oz bottles of water.

Greens: I have also been trying to get greens in at at least 2 out of 3 meals.  Also veggies for one snack.

Movement: I'm walking some miles, swimming and just trying to not sit very much. No fancy programs as of yet.

I'm trying to keep everything very simple and doable.

Scriptures and Meditation is also high on my list. I have a set schedule for this but if I find myself in between things or just need to sit and take a break for a min...this is what I am doing in all my free moments.

How are you doing? How I can I help you stay on track?

Redefining Failure

As usual, I do good for a little bit and then something happens to goof me all up again. The next thing I know I'm willing to make peach cobbler at 8:30 at night. I've felt really overwhelmed lately with my life circumstances and once again, like that....health and fitness take a back row seat.
The great thing though is that I recognize it. Even though I'm willing to rebel for a short amount of time, (Okay, maybe too long of a time), I always come back and resolve to work on it some more.
I heard a guy on the radio the other day talking about failure. As he talked, it really resonated with me. He talked about failure as a good thing. With failure, it can breed learning, growth, creativity, determination, etc.. He talked about the movie company Pixar and how they thrive on failure and want all their employees to be willing to fail a time or two.


So how do we get back up, dust ourselves off, learn from our experiences, and try again?

As I was typing this, I had a new thought. Many people, including myself, get discouraged thinking, "I have been trying my whole life!" , "This is impossible! I keep failing!"
I have thought those things too. Maybe instead of just trying again, we first need to analyze our last attempts, our failures.
There is the saying that goes something like this, "If you always do what you've always done, you will always get what you have always gotten." That makes me think, something needs to be different about this attempt then the last 50 attempts. Also, if part of the equation worked on the last attempt, then only change the part that didn't, not the whole thing.

I will be pondering all this some more and coming up with a new or improved game plan for myself. I hope you will do the same. But while I am thinking about it and deciding, I have a couple goals for myself.
1) Drink more water!!! 3 pink 22oz water bottles a day.
2) Eat more veggies!!! At least one snack, and one serving with lunch and dinner.
3) Get off your rear and move! maybe use my fitbit!?!

There is also something else I want to discuss that I've been thinking about.  It is hard for me, but I need to not let myself be defined by my weight. My weight does not make me a failure. My weight is not who I am or the only thing about me. There are many things that I can do and do very well that have nothing to do with my weight. Now this is not an excuse not to do something about my weight. I do know from experience, that you can lose all the extra weight and be 100 lbs and still feel like crap on the inside and lack self-confidence.
That being said, the inside needs to change as much as the outside. Otherwise, you may be in a different body but your still fighting the same battles in your head.

I hope all this helps you to redefine  Failure and look at it from a different perspective. Many of the greats, failed tons of times before they had success. Don't Give Up!

Choosing God

Well yesterday was a month since my 39th birthday. I started out as I usually do, hitting the ground running. Then as usual life creeped in and started taking over. Painful knees, a grumbling screaming for treats stomach, lack of time and planning all creeped in and sabotaged me just like that! Well after a week or two of that, I said to myself, "Hey wake up, what about your goals and your dreams!?!" So August 1, I started over again. I had gotten some money on my birthday and it took me a while to figure out what I wanted to spend it on. Then I found this little gem of a program called, "Made to Crave" by Lysa Terkeurst. It is exactly what I needed. It puts God at the center of this food and weight issue. Which I must say I have been trying to do all year. At the beginning of the year I had started attending a support group for overeaters using the 12 steps. It was helpful, but I still felt stuck. As I read through this book, the knowledge of the scriptures and God's words concerning food and our health is coming alive in me. Now when I make a choice it has more to do with God and taking care of this gift of a body I have been given. I am looking at this more of a spiritual journey instead of a physical journey. In fact, my given name has given me a gift into this weakness of mine. Amy Beth, it means Beloved House. So whether it looks like it or not, God considers me a beloved house. When I think of God's house, I think of the Temples. If I want him to dwell in me I need to take care of this house that I have been given. If I want to be able to better access him spiritually , I need to be clear, clean and pure physically.
So what have I been doing...The same things I have always done. I am still doing my Beachbody workouts. I am still doing my best to eat clean and pure. The only difference in the process is my desire and want to. This is something that has always caused me to lose momentum is my will power and my want to. Well as God has all power. He can help me do this. If I am doing it for God to become closer to Him my drive and determination are more solidified. My want to used to be for my kids, for me. But I have no problem letting myself down. And my kids, they really love me just the way I am. But to let God down. That is big stuff. I want Him in my life and I want His power and grace and spirit to be with me and the only way to truly do that is to give myself to Him physically. So when I confront that cake or whatever it is, am I choosing God or food? I choose God.

Sick and Tired of Being Sick and Tired

As I sit here at my heaviest, it makes me want to cry. Actually it makes me mad too because I know better. I have tons of education in the field of health and wellness. So far though, none of this has helped me. I'm not sure why. The two things I have going for me are that ever since I was young I have never given up. Every year it is the same New Years Resolution (Some of those years it didn't even need to be because I was so thin.) lose weight and get in shape. If it doesn't happen then I seem to restart over and over again. My birthday seems to be a date I resolve to do better. So for the past 25-30 years I have tried and tried and tried. I have been successful in the past. Losing the weight isn't really the issue, it is maintaining it. Even though, I must say that it gets harder each time. The second thing I have going for me is God. This year, I have been talking to Him a lot about this and am focusing on His power and His help in the matter.
So as I sit here I can say that I have been freaking out a bit because in 372 days from now. I will be turning 40!!!! This scares me because I do not want to go into another decade looking this way. You see I work as a Physical Therapist Assistant. I see patients all day who can't walk very well and have no strength and no balance. If I do not get this figured out then that is totally going to be me.
Also, I can see my son, falling into my foot steps. I do not want him to struggle like I have. So, I am trying to use this as an opportunity to change, to be an example, to be strong.

My family and I have been watching American Ninja Warrior and the Spartan Races on T.V. It has been very motivating for all of us. In fact, as a family on M,W,F we have been doing a couch to 5k program. We got up at 5am!!! Even the 5 and 7yr/old came. It has been really great. The goal is to get up off the couch more and move these bodies that we have been blessed with.

Besides what I am doing with my family, I have come up with my own plans to accomplish my fit before 40 goal. I set in my calendar all my Beachbody workout programs. Sadly, I have tons of them and haven't done them in forever. It will take me all year to work through all of them from easiest to hardest. I am also walking with a friend in the evenings and swimming laps a couple days a week as well.
As far as eating goes, I am watching my portions, staying away from sugar and eating clean. I am allowing myself one meal off a week. I will go into more detail down the road about my workouts and eating.
So far I have made it a whole week of sticking to it. It has been hard at times when the family eats crappy and I don't with them. I'm telling myself that it is all okay because I am setting an example AND I don't want to live this way anymore.
I will keep you posted on my progress throughout the year. I have big dreams of things I want to do when I turn 40. For instance, stand up paddle board and wind surfing. I also want to be strong.