Of course, after I wrote my accountability post, life got in the way....again, as usual. I was doing well then we had a birthday in the house. It temporarily derailed me. I was starting to lose some hope as I took that dress, (You know the one that has been hanging in the closet forever because one day you will get back into it again.) and I decided to give it to the refugees. I had only worn it like twice when I had lost a bunch of weight and knew I would drop more in a week or two, so I had bought it snug to begin with. With this I was in storm mode, loss of hope mode. Then today happened. Well I shouldn't discount some of the inner workings and attempts during this storm of temptation and cheating on my chosen plan. So despite my terrible eating, I was walking and wearing my fitbit to track my progress. I was internalizing and noting messages and ideas from Heaven.
Let me back up for just a minute, you see, I have been struggling with this food and exercise stuff a very long time. Every attempt has been a failure. This time I decided to make the journey a spiritual one. I am realizing the profound coexistence of the two, physical and spiritual, and how they work together.
I was beginning to think that God didn't care about this issue of weight and health. At least not for me, and especially not now when our family is going through one of the hardest times financially, since my husband has been out of work. Work has been so scarce for him that I was prompted to go back to work. I didn't want to do this. I loved getting up everyday since I had put the boys in school and spending an hour reading my scriptures and another hour swimming laps. See I put the kids in school because I knew I might have to go to work. I didn't really want to though, so I put off the nudging to go to work, for a bit. I thought now is my time to work on me. So when I went to work, I thought, "The Lord doesn't care about me, or helping me with this weakness." I did try and look on the positive side despite crying to and from work everyday and not always getting home before the kids.
I find it very important to examine if there is a lesson to be learned or a way to grow despite the trial. If you ask my husband though or my mother, I'm not sure if they would say this about me, as they tend to hear all my wailing, whining and complaining moments where I am resisting learning and growth. They seem to add up, ya know. Anyway, back to the examination board. As I went and saw elderly clients for their physical therapy appointments, I began to actually see the results of long term poor eating and exercise habits. Now, remember I do know all of this stuff already because of my degrees. To see it though, was another thing. To see patients who could no longer stay in their homes because they couldn't walk or get out of a chair or restroom themselves. It was so sad and made an impact. Also, in having to work so far away from home, away from my kids did another great thing for me. It taught me to really rely on the Lord, as well as, try to develop myself spiritually so that I could better receive personal revelation and feel of His spirit in my life. I needed direction in my life!!! I knew there was only 1 way to get it, through Christ!
But could I trust Him? This has been another lesson through this experience. Trust, patience, reliance. It has been such a struggle but I'm getting there. Keeping track of His hand and guidance in my life has helped.
Well, the Lord does hear our cries and he delivered me from that work experience into another one closer to home. I wasn't even looking for other jobs, especially outside of PTA work. I accepted a job working as the mission home attendant. In this job, I clean the home of the mission president and his office in town. I help the MP's wife when the LDS missionaries transfer to new areas. I get to help with meals and changing bedding, ect.. (If you want to know more about this let me know. I'd love to share but want to continue with my current insights for now.)
My first thought was this will be cool and provide a great spiritual experience and environment all while being accessible for my boys. I was concerned though about the idea of all the cleaning. I didn't feel that I even had time to clean my own home to the level that I liked, let alone other places.
I examined this job too. What was the point of this? Why cleaning instead of physical therapy, exercise and health? How was this helpful towards my goal to lose all this weight before my 40th birthday? Why did Heavenly Father want me here even though the pay was so much less? Maybe now just wasn't the time for self-improvement. Maybe now was the time to help my family financially. I don't want you to get me wrong now. I was extremely grateful for this position and environment. I also knew I had been led, guided and that the Lord was working in my life. But, like many of you, I like to ask why. I know, you might think I am 2. why? why? why?
Anyway, I knew I loved the environment. I knew I loved how close it was to home. Then one day as I was scrubbing toilets and changing beds, a thought hit me. I am getting a lot more steps in doing this job! I am having to squat down more, reach up high, use muscles that haven't been worked in a while, carry and push more. My whole day was more active!! Then I thought, "Just maybe the Lord does care and is trying to help with this goal. " I also started to think about the gospel a lot while working because the spirit is strong in these places. Part of me thought, this is to help me get through this hard time with my family. Another thought I had was about cleaning and order. I know the Lord likes to use parables and symbolism. I thought about the symbolism between cleaning toilets and buildings and cleaning up my own building. I thought about order, discipline and self control. How they relate to our bodies, food and exercise just like the Savior has those traits and taught them. I was beginning to see how the Lord was hearing my pleas, answering my prayers and did care about this matter. This matter that is huge to me but seemed small in comparison to my husband being out of work and our finances being small.
Back to today. I actually woke up with a grateful and joyful heart. Hope is returning despite me not being where I want to be by this point. Despite the fact that my efforts have been less than perfect or even stellar. Today, I ate almost perfectly. It was my day off and I got more than 16,000 steps. I know that may be a small number for some of you, but for me, it was huge. Also, to top it off, I am so excited about my choices for tomorrow. I am excited about all the ideas that are keeping me awake tonight, that I want to share with you. My hope and my belief rests in my Savior, who promises to make our weak things strong.
No comments:
Post a Comment