Voices and Temptation

Just because God is on my side with this eating challenge doesn't mean it is always easy. Just because I have a solid why and want to for being healthy doesn't mean I never get tempted still. (I must say though, most days are easier than they used to be.)  Tonight is Halloween and even though I have been able to resist temptation, it has been a very mind rationalizing, emotions bubbling time. My boys always have a jack-o-lantern pizza for dinner. It smelled so good.
Part of me kept telling myself, "It's a holiday! You can have a slice." "One slice or two isn't gonna do anything to you. You'll get back on the wagon tomorrow and be just fine." "God doesn't intend for you to never have a small indulgence. " "But it smells soooo good." "Look at that ooey gooey cheese." and on and on the thoughts went.

Then on the other side was this dialog. "One piece could throw you off for weeks." " Even if you do have just one piece, you'll retain water and temporarily halt your progress."  " You'll never reach your goal if you give in this once." " Don't you want to have the peace of knowing you overcame." " Smells are free remember." "Look at all that grease, you don't want to put that in your body." "You have to care about your body all the time." "If you have that slice of pizza then later you'll rationalize a piece of candy too." " Will you sacrifice this to know me?" " You can have it but is it going to be beneficial in 10 min, or a day later?"  "Maybe you can have a holiday off every once in a while when you lose the weight and get this under control. "

And this was just over the pizza. So what did I end up having for dinner? A can of tuna with laughing cow cheese and a ton of celery. Later when everyone gets home and is eating candy, I'll probably make myself a little treat of  a banana with peanut butter on it or something similar.

 As I opened the bags of candy to put in the bowl, the smell was intoxicating. But since I was able to resist the pizza, the candy was easier to resist.

Now I want you to know that some people can have just one of something and be fine.  Or take a day off and not be tempted to have anymore of anything. This is not me! I am an all or non kind of girl. I either do good or I do bad. Since I am doing so well, (down 15 lbs) I do not want to screw this up. My birthday is only 9 months away. So I tell you this and share this dialog with you, not so you can be judgmental,  I tell you this so you can either 1) Understand what it is like to struggle so much with food and weight, and maybe more sympathetic to those around you. or 2) So if you struggle too, you'll know your not alone.

My top 5 list of things you can do to make the holidays and situations like this easier.

5) Prepare in advance meals. Know what you will have even if others are not eating the same.
4) Tell people in advance that you will not be participating and why.
3) Drink lots of water so you don't get any tinges of hunger.
2) Visualize your self saying no or visualize your success whatever that may be. Maybe it is only that one piece for you, etc..
1) Pray, Pray, Pray and Read scriptures that resonate with you when you struggle.

Bonus tip: Create new traditions around holidays that don't involve food. I know this one is tricky with Halloween though. One thing I used to do but my boys absolutely refuse now is I'd let them collect the candy. Then they'd pick 10 pieces. The rest would go in a bowl for the teenagers to come get and my kids would get a new movie or game. I also wanted to get this year little toys from like oriental trading to pass out instead of candy but I was voted down on that one. Sigh... A mom can try right!?!

I hope this helps. Happy Halloween!!!

Reconstructing My Temple

Shortly after we moved to Idaho Falls the temple was closed to be renovated and updated. This made me kind of sad because this was the closest we have lived to a temple in a long time. Lucky for us though the Rexburg Temple is still open and still closer than places we have lived over the past 9 years or so. This got me thinking about reconstructing my own temple. 

A  scriptures came to my mind. 

1 Corinthians 6:19

 What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own?

My body is not my own. It is a gift from a loving Heavenly Father. I was given this gift so that I could experience mortality and learn for one, to overcome the temptations and desires of the body. One of the ways we honor this gift, of a body, and show gratitude for it is by taking care of it. I had fallen into the trap of eat, drink and be merry for tomorrow we die. Did the Lord really care what I was eating?  Food had become my comforter, my friend, what I turned to in celebratory happiness or sadness. Food had become my idol, my god.

This needed to change. I needed repentance. I needed the atonement.  But how does one apply that to food? I mean I couldn’t just stop eating!!! I had tried that before by the way and I knew that, that hurt my body just as much and was not showing gratitude for this gift. Also how do you begin to love a body that you hate so much? Hate because it is hard to control, hate because the world defines you buy it, hate because you begin to define yourself by it, and on and on I could go with that.  I knew that even if I was thin, like in this picture

I would still see myself the same, unworthy of people’s acceptance, yearning for approval, not confident at all. So I knew that I needed to change from the inside first. As a child of God, all I really needed to change this horrible thinking around was to know and feel His love and His acceptance. I started to look at my life and my name.

Amy Beth = Beloved House

For the longest time, I hated my middle name. It made me think of things such as being as big as a house. Which I must say I feel pretty close to right now. But the point of the matter is, is that the Lord’s house is a beautiful temple. A beloved temple. I really feel like Heavenly father knew this would be a struggle for me and He wanted to make sure that I knew and had that constant reminder that I am loved and am His temple. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks about me as long as I am loved and accepted by my God.

I thought about the temple. It is beautiful, pure, dedicated, structured, organized, and clean. It’s features inside and out are defined. The best materials are used to craft it to perfection. It shines and is bright for all to see. It has purpose and is awe inspiring.

I also thought about this scripture:

D&C 97:15-17  15 And inasmuch as my people build a house unto me in the name of the Lord, and do not suffer any unclean thing to come into it, that it be not defiled, my glory shall rest upon it;

 16 Yea, and my presence shall be there, for I will come into it, and all the pure in heart that shall come into it shall see God.

 17 But if it be defiled I will not come into it, and my glory shall not be there; for I will not come into unholy temples.

I realized that I was not where I wanted to be spiritually or physically because I was not building my temple and dedicating it to Him. This helped me to decide what I would and wouldn’t eat, how I would exercise and how I would honor God and draw close to Him.  I had studied the word of wisdom (They even ask about this in order to enter into the temples) many times. I was even usually upset that when a lesson would be given on the word of wisdom usually only the tea, coffee and alcohol was mentioned and the nutrition part was glazed over.  I had studied it diligently, however my application was weak.  What has made the difference? Repentance and wanting that relationship with God more than my relationship with food and traditions. I want a temple that honors Him, shows my gratitude, gives Him a place to dwell, etc.

President Hinckley in his talk, Keeping the Temple Holy, had this to say about the word of wisdom. Is observance of the Word of Wisdom necessary? The Brethren have long felt that it certainly must be. Observance of the Word of Wisdom is concerned with the care of one’s body, which, the Lord has assured, is of itself a temple, a tabernacle of the spirit. He has said, “Yea, man is the tabernacle of God, even temples; and whatsoever temple is defiled, God shall destroy that temple.” (D&C 93:35.)

Just like we have a temple recommend interview before we can be found worthy to go inside the temple, now my food too has to be found worthy. It makes sense to me. How many times have we heard a lesson on clean media and watching what we see, hear and think? Well I figure this applies to food too. Now my food needs to be clean and pure if it wants to enter.  

It amazes me how many times we can hear a lesson at church or read something and it just doesn’t stick. My “aha” moment with this has come as I have sought after the Lord and have desired Him more than the comfort of eating whatever I want.

My body is a temple of the Lord and it is time to start treating it as such.

His will power not my will power

I have always had moments of strong will power and too many more moments of no will power. In the health and fitness industry, often it is believed that those who want to lose weight just need will power and a strong solid plan.

THIS IS JUST NOT TRUE!

There are so many factors that come into play.  When I was studying at the Institute for Integrative Nutrition, this was a topic that was discussed, a lot. We called it primary foods. If you were not getting fed relationship wise, career wise, sleep wise, spiritually, emotionally, mentally,etc,  then weight loss would get thrown to the back burner. Stress was a huge factor in the ability to lose weight as well. Among tons of other factors. So since I am a worrier, all of these things told me, " Your life isn't perfect yet, so you can't lose weight." The desire was always with me but I couldn't muster enough will power to achieve my goal long term with all the stress and turmoil I had going on. Life has always gotten in my way.

Finding a New Way

I thought long and hard. If I couldn't achieve my goals with all the knowledge I have on the subject, what was I missing? In January 2016, I started going to the 12 step program that my church has for over eaters / eating issues. It was very helpful and insightful. Life and work kind of got in the way again though and I stopped going. Like I have said before, part of me felt then that God didn't care about this as much as I did. Fast forward to about a month ago. I realized God does find this to be very important. He is there to help. His Life, not mine, is the way to taking care of this body and losing the weight. One of the problems has been that my focus has been on life getting in the way, instaed of focusing on His Life and having Him so solidly in my life.  I found a book called Made to Crave by Lysa Terkeurst. It is exceptional! It has helped me seek and crave God.   Now, I pray for His strength, His will, His power to overcome and get through this trial. I had to pray that He would change my heart and help me to not crave or desire addictive foods.  Just so you know, this is not a one time prayer. This is daily, sometimes hourly, or with each meal. I have to ask myself, "What is more important, that crappy food (that you know is bad) or your relationship with God? I also ask myself, as God asked the young rich man (paraphrased here, but this is how I word it for me.), "Will you give it up so you can better know me?"  But, its not just that! Anybody can say a prayer and hope God will do something with this weight and body. Exercising faith must happen. I had to decide that I was going to eat something healthy and get some exercise in this moment and that God would help me the next moment it was time to eat and exercise. I must say that each time I rely on Him it gets easier. I can feel his hand in this journey. I don't need my will power when I have His will power.

I want you to know that I am on an important journey. I am learning things that I couldn't learn in my 21 years of education and advanced degrees. My Savior, your Savior is the master educator. Through His help, I am making progress. I have lost 11 lbs so far. I have been eating good wholesome food and exercising. I have been praying a lot and drawing closer to my faith and my Savior. I also know that if this is your struggle too, He will help you. I am here to help you too.

If you found this post helpful, please feel free to like it and share with your friends. There are so many people who struggle with this and I'd like to help. Be on the look out as I will continue to share my journey.

Lessons to Learn

Of course, after I wrote my accountability post, life got in the way....again, as usual. I was doing well then we had a birthday in the house. It temporarily derailed me. I was starting to lose some hope as I took that dress, (You know the one that has been hanging in the closet forever because one day you will get back into it again.) and I decided to give it to the refugees. I had only worn it like twice when I had lost a bunch of weight and knew I would drop more in a week or two, so I had bought it snug to begin with. With this I was in storm mode, loss of hope mode. Then today happened. Well I shouldn't discount some of the inner workings and attempts during this storm of temptation and cheating on my chosen plan. So despite my terrible eating, I was walking and wearing my fitbit to track my progress. I was internalizing and noting messages and ideas from Heaven.

Let me back up for just a minute, you see, I have been struggling with this food and exercise stuff a very long time. Every attempt has been a failure.  This time I decided to make the journey a spiritual one. I am realizing the profound coexistence of the two, physical and spiritual, and how they work together.

I was beginning to think that God didn't care about this issue of weight and health. At least not for me, and especially not now when our family is going through one of the hardest times financially, since my husband has been out of work.  Work has been so scarce for him that I was prompted to go back to work. I didn't want to do this. I loved getting up everyday since I had put the boys in school and spending an hour reading my scriptures and another hour swimming laps.  See I put the kids in school because I knew I might have to go to work. I didn't really want to though, so I put off the nudging to go to work, for a bit. I thought now is my time to work on me. So when I went to work, I thought, "The Lord doesn't care about me, or helping me with this weakness." I did try and look on the positive side despite crying to and from work everyday and not always getting home before the kids.

I find it very important to examine if there is a lesson to be learned or a way to grow despite the trial. If you ask my husband though or my mother, I'm not sure if they would say this about me, as they tend to hear all my wailing, whining and complaining moments where I am resisting learning and growth. They seem to add up, ya know. Anyway, back to the examination board. As I went and saw elderly clients for their physical therapy appointments, I began to actually see the results of long term poor eating and exercise habits. Now, remember I do know all of this stuff already because of my degrees. To see it though, was another thing. To see patients who could no longer stay in their homes because they couldn't walk or get out of a chair or restroom themselves. It was so sad and made an impact.  Also, in having to work so far away from home, away from my kids did another great thing for me. It taught me to really rely on the Lord, as well as, try to develop myself spiritually so that I could better receive personal revelation and feel of His spirit in my life. I needed direction in my life!!! I knew there was only 1 way to get it, through Christ!

 But could I trust Him? This has been another lesson through this experience. Trust, patience, reliance. It has been such a struggle but I'm getting there. Keeping track of His hand and guidance in my life has helped.

Well, the Lord does hear our cries and he delivered me from that work experience into another one closer to home. I wasn't even looking for other jobs, especially outside of PTA work.  I accepted a job working as the mission home attendant. In this job, I clean the home of the mission president and his office in town. I help the MP's wife when the LDS missionaries transfer to new areas. I get to help with meals and changing bedding, ect.. (If you want to know more about this let me know. I'd love to share but want to continue with my current insights for now.)
My first thought was this will be cool and provide a great spiritual experience and environment all while being accessible for my boys. I was concerned though about the idea of all the cleaning.  I didn't feel that I even had time to clean my own home to the level that I liked, let alone other places.
I examined this job too. What was the point of this? Why cleaning instead of physical therapy, exercise and health? How was this helpful towards my goal to lose all this weight before my 40th birthday? Why did Heavenly Father want me here even though the pay was so much less? Maybe now just wasn't the time for self-improvement. Maybe now was the time to help my family financially. I don't want you to get me wrong now. I was extremely grateful for this position and environment. I also knew I had been led, guided and that the Lord was working in my life. But, like many of you, I like to ask why. I know, you might think I am 2. why? why? why?

Anyway, I knew I loved the environment. I knew I loved how close it was to home.  Then one day as I was scrubbing toilets and changing beds, a thought hit me. I am getting a lot more steps in doing this job! I am having to squat down more, reach up high, use muscles that haven't been worked in a while, carry and push more. My whole day was more active!! Then I thought, "Just maybe the Lord does care and is trying to help with this goal. " I also started to think about the gospel a lot while working because the spirit is strong in these places. Part of me thought, this is to help me get through this hard time with my family. Another thought I had was about cleaning and order. I know the Lord likes to use parables and symbolism. I thought about the symbolism between cleaning toilets and buildings and cleaning up my own building. I thought about order, discipline and self control. How they relate to our bodies, food and exercise just like the Savior has those traits and taught them. I was beginning to see how the Lord was hearing my pleas, answering my prayers and did care about this matter. This matter that is huge to me but seemed small in comparison to my husband being out of work and our finances being small.

 Back to today. I actually woke up with a grateful and joyful heart. Hope is returning despite me not being where I want to be by this point. Despite the fact that my efforts have been less than perfect or even stellar. Today, I ate almost perfectly. It was my day off and I got more than 16,000 steps. I know that may be a small number for some of you, but for me, it was huge. Also, to top it off, I am so excited about my choices for tomorrow.  I am excited about all the ideas that are keeping me awake tonight, that I want to share with you. My hope and my belief rests in my Savior, who promises to make our weak things strong.