My husband had left town for a week for work. We like to have him around of course, however when he is gone, I don't fix dinner. My boys love it because then they can live off the crap my husband puts in food storage, like raman noodles and mac and cheese. I love it too because then I'm not preparing a healthy meal for them, that is sometimes a challenge to get them to eat. This also means, I go simple for me. I have smoothies or just a plate of vegetables. This worked out really well for me. I dropped quite a few pounds that week. I'm down 20 lbs so far.
Then the CRAZY began to set in. What is the crazy? It's that place in side me that begins to return to old habits. That place inside me that goes into hyper drive. That place that takes me out of balance. Some old habits that I have are being super restrictive with my diet to a level where I am out of balance. A place where when I have a tsp of something I shouldn't possibly have, I tear myself up and go crazy with guilt and regret. I'll explain the crazy a little bit more. I have a tendency to be a very black and white person. I'm either eating healthy or I am not. I tend to live the polar opposites.
This week was mission transfers. That means, I was surrounded by very good tasting but unhealthy food. I avoided the pizza. I avoided the waffles. I avoided the pan of brownies. Instead I had a smoothie, raisins and almonds that I had prepared myself. When it was time to sit down with everyone, I did grab a salad from the buffet line. I knew I should of eaten it plain for optimal health but I didn't. I put about a tablespoon of ranch dressing on it. It was the only choice there. I have been upset with myself ever since. Then we had a Cafe Rio type salad tonight for dinner. It was left over from the transfers. I knew the meat had some brown sugar in it. But again, I had it anyway. And again, I am beating myself up about it and swearing the my stomach is more bloated than it was a couple days ago.
Why do I share this level of CRAZY with you, with anyone? I have a reason and no it's not so you can be judgmental and think I am psycho.
My purpose is to let you know that we need to rely on God every hour and every meal. My purpose is to let you know that we need God on both ends of the spectrum with us.
See even though I have been taking time to be spiritual and focus on this issue of mine in the scriptures, It hasn't been enough. Or maybe it has, because I am recognizing the crazy a lot sooner. I think a part of me has gotten lazy. I have been doing really well and so I essentially was like, " Thanks for helping God. You've straightened me out and I got this now. I remember what to do to get and stay on track. "
It is humbling to me to pass the reigns of this journey back over to Him. To say, "You're right. I don't have this. I'm just reverting back to the hyper-focused, unbalanced, health nut crazy girl. " I still need His strength and His power. I can hear Him saying, "Amy, just because you are seeing success and know a lot, does not mean we are done. Stay with me, I have a lot of reworking and healing to do on the inside as well as the outside. "
To stay with Him, to work through the crazy, I am praying. I am continually asking Him what I need to do. I am meditating and pondering His words. I am trying to make sure that He remains my focus. That His thoughts become my thoughts. I love that scripture in Isaiah that says, "My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts. (Isaiah 55:8-9). To that I say, thank goodness. No more crazy! I am going to learn His thoughts and His ways on this one. I'll keep you posted on what I continue to learn on this one. Recognition was the first step on this one.
No comments:
Post a Comment